I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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