I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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