Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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