Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
