it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
