after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
