even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
