You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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