So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
