There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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