Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
