They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
