Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
