wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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