I will die if light touches me.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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