I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The beer is more important than you right now.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
