Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize