If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
