Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
