Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
