it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
