we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
