the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
