Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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