i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
