Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
