i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Randomize
