I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
40s are totally the cure
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
