i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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