Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
