I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my being single is dangerous.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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