tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
