tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
