The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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