Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
