How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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