My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Randomize
