the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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