I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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