I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
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