The maid of honor just puked.
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
