I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
