The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
