dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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