Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
