So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
