i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we're making bets on your personal life
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
