She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
