dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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