he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
