all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
