I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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