So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
