dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
