It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
