saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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