Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
